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Hello.  I wanted to share with you a recent book review by Bettie Corbin Tucker from Independent Book Reviewers.  To view the review online please visit the following link:

“Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage” Book Review


If you would like to pick up a copy of the book you can get it for a 20% discount at the following link:

20% Discount on Book


Equality
The Quest for the Happy Marriage
Tim Kellis
Gilgamesh Publishing
ISBN:  978-0-9799848-0-8
440 pages 

When I began reading Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage, by Tim Kellis, I expected to read a typical counseling book such as those that fill the shelves of bookstores. Most of these are written by experts in the field of counseling who have degrees in psychology, psychiatry, or pastoral ministries.  I was totally wrong in regard to the word “typical.”  This book delves deep into the mind, reminding readers of historical happenings, successful businesses, politics, education, religion, family backgrounds, and the scientific work of many individuals, all which, according to the author’s findings, can unlock some of the mysteries as to what is behind the 50 percent divorce rate among couples who promised to love one another “for better or worse.” 

Although written for couples, this is also a self-help book for individuals who may find answers as to why happiness has always seemed to elude them. The author stresses that individuals must be happy within themselves before they can be happy in a relationship.    It is not a book to be read in one setting since it is scholarly, philosophical and informative—a book that needs to be studied with an open, fervent mind.  Much of the book is autobiographical as Mr. Kellis describes his early home life, education, successful career, various dating experiences and finally what happened when he met Suzanne who captured his heart—someone he truly believed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  At first the relationship was wonderful…it was beautiful…it was exciting…it was passionate…it was everything they both wanted.  Tim and Suzanne got engaged, fought, went to therapy sessions, and eventually broke up.  How could such a perfect beginning end so badly?   There had to be answers, and he would find them! 

The words “common sense” and “logic” are the threads that connect the chapters of this book through the author’s insightful research and obvious intellect.  Let’s take a look at the word “equality” and its role in a couple’s relationship.  Though Mr. Kellis talks about past traditions, he emphasizes that the movement toward equality between men and women was, and continues to be, a progressive move that is morally and legally justified.  He states that in a relationship both individuals must share equally in the feeling and thinking side of the psyche of the relationship. Men do feel and women do think; also men do think and women do feel! The author also believes that common sense leads a couple to take on the world together, rather than arguing with one another.  Instead of becoming involved in faultfinding, both parties need to concentrate on problem solving by using logic and common sense to help resolve issues.   

Among the many resources for his research, the author uses and critiques relationship books written by various authors and also studies the findings of scientists and health professionals—those from the past as well as those considered to be experts in today’s society.  Mr. Kellis has concluded that most of today’s therapists do not actually understand the problems in a relationship, or if they do, they don’t go far enough to actually find answers.  He also believes that they don’t know how to stop disagreements from turning into arguments. As someone who has done considerable counseling, I, too, believe this is true and that something is amiss with the training these professionals have received. The author emphasizes that faultfinding and simply defining a negative relationship does not lead to happiness; problem solving, on the other hand, gets to the root of problems and can save marriages. Readers are given a lot of information as to how the mind works, including how we all too often fall in love with someone because of looks and money, not understanding that we stay in love because of character. A very important lesson to be learned is that we must choose to get over our past experiences—including anger toward parents—or we will transfer such negative emotions onto our spouses. Face and forgive are two key words to avoid such transference.  When an individual first falls in love, this is experienced in the conscious as happiness; however, if there are unresolved issues in the unconscious that have not been dealt with, the result will be fear and unhappiness. The author, through the help and advice of friends, was able to forgive his parents for negative childhood memories that he had carried around for years; only then did he find the key to experiencing real happiness.  Suzanne, on the other hand, had never confronted her past and subsequently found fault after fault with him, a man she had loved so much—in the beginning.   

Tim Kellis touches briefly on the works of Dr. Sigmund Freud whose hypothesis was that our behavior is determined by the brain we are born with.  This leads to the conclusion that we can do nothing about our troubles. The author does not accept this theory but does embrace the work of Dr. Carl Jung who theorized that we have minds that develop and that we can correct our insecurities through the impact of our unconscious on our conscious. Dr. Jung spent his entire life delving into the workings of the mind.  

This book encompasses a vast amount of information for the reader to digest; however, it is a book for those who have chosen to find the path to real happiness—perhaps to turn their backs on many established therapy practices and think for themselves. Think, feel, and behave! Equality: the Quest for the Happy Marriage will help make this possible. 

At his last therapy session, the author received permission from his therapist to record the conversation.  Readers are given a word-for-word transcript of the session and can reach their own conclusions as to what was accomplished. 

It is my opinion that this book is unique and could prove to be a very helpful resource for individuals, couples, and professionals involved in counseling.   

Bettie Corbin Tucker
For Independent Book Reviewers
www.bookreviewers.org 

March 12, 2009


Tim Kellis

HappyRelationships.com

HappyMarriages.com 

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Hello

I wanted to post a blog interview on relationships sponsored by Kelly Moran.  

Please visit the following link to participate:

authorkellymoran.blogspot.com/2009/03/kelly-interviews-author-tim-kellis.html

The interview will commence on Thursday March 12 at 12 noon, and finish on Saturday March 14 at 12 noon.  

Please join in on what is sure to be an interactive discussion on relationships.  Feel free to post your thoughts.  

The discussion will cover a wide breadth of relationship issues.  

Thank you for your participation.

Sincerely

Tim Kellis

www.HappyRelationships.com

Book reviewer Jacqueline Jung says the disintegration of a love affair sent relationship author Tim Kellis on a quest to figure out why-as well as how he could ultimately experience a blissful relationship.

According to Jung’s review published in NightsAndWeekends.com, Kellis found some answers and proceeded to write EQUALITY: The Quest for the Happy Marriage.

And why not? Jung writes in her book review. According to Kellis, today’s psychologists just don’t get it. They don’t address the reasons behind feelings and behavior, nor do relationship books written by ‘experts.’ They aren’t logical. In the court case of the United States vs. Microsoft, the discussion always stayed logical. Accordingly, successful resolution of disagreements doesn’t come from arguing but from coming up with a common sense solution. You see, the key to a successful relationship is common sense. It’s that simple… at least to Kellis, she writes.

In his 400-plus-page book, readers learn history lessons about everything from Adam and Eve to Thomas Paine’s Common Sense to Hitler and even Matthew Perry, said Jung. Kellis covers religion, prejudice, Freud, the evolution of today’s education, and Carl Jung.

In EQUALITY: The Quest for the Happy Marriage, author Kellis talks about his own quest to discover the root causes of rocky relationships for which the fault is not be in our stars, but in ourselves.

–NightsandWeekends.com

Another media inquiry regarding handling conflicts:

I’m not a yeller. I never have been. When my sister and I had knock-down fights as kids, she screamed and I talked or cried (or both). Actually, that’s how our fights play out these days. I also never yelled when arguing with my parents, and the one and only time I got in a bit of a “tiff” with a colleague, she yelled and I, well, spoke. I’m the same way with dates. Recently, I had my first-ever argument with a non-yeller. It was weird — very weird. And I almost laughed in the middle because it didn’t feel like a fight. So was it? Does emotional release occur if you don’t yell? Is the fight as effective or productive? Do two people who are non-yellers accomplish anything while fighting? What about two screamers? The Times Union is a 150,000-circulation daily paper in the capital of New York state. We are Hearst-owned, and our stories run on the NY Times and Hearst wires after they appear in our paper. This is for my Sunday Life 3.0 column. 

Your question really gets to the heart of the difference between positive and negative relationships.  Again, the real question here is how to handle the inevitable conflicts that are certainly a part of every relationship when you bring 2 different people together with 2 completely different backgrounds. 

The problem with our understanding of arguments is we have yet to elaborate on the emotional toll and psychological reaction to them.  The objective, on the other hand, is to handle these conflicts through disagreements, not arguments.  One of the most significant sections of my book is my section on Dr. Martin Luther King because he taught us the proper way to handle conflicts, what he called civil disobedience, a term he learned from a French philosopher by the name of Thoreau.  In other words, when faced with conflicts that you disagree with it is okay to be disobedient, to disagree, just be civil about it. 

The problem with arguments is the emotional toll on the 2 involved and the unfortunate break down in communications which is the result of disagreements that turn into arguments.  The key difference between disagreements and arguments is disagreements take place on a logical plane while arguments take place on an emotional plane, which is not logical and solutions to these conflicts becomes extremely difficult if not impossible.  

Unfortunately, modern psychology tries to convince us that if you don’t release your emotional anxieties that underlie all conflicts then you suppress them, where in time the suppressed anxieties eventually explode.  What is missing here is the concept of not suppressing the underlying emotional anxieties but instead discussing them with your partner in life, who should provide an outside, objective perspective, barring your partner’s personal insecurities causing a subjective perspective in his or her response.  The goal is to talk through the insecurities so that the fear underlying the emotional anxieties can be released in a positive manner. 

And the reality is that as soon as you cross the plane of disagreements and enter the plane of arguments communications break down.  With disagreements the logic, which is understood and could be either the logic of the thoughts or the logic of the feelings, is eventually comprehended by both parties where a solution then becomes possible.  Unfortunately there are no real solutions behind emotional arguments. Not only are they not logical but in reality are the result of the effort by one party to enforce his or her subjective perspective, at the cost of a better objective solution for both within a relationship.  

Hello

I am just now getting back to my blog.  I wanted to begin by posting a media inquiry that I responded to recently on the challenges when your spouse makes a drastic life change.  See below:
For an article I’m writing for CNN.com, I’m seeking both nationally known relationship experts as well as “real” people to talk about this topic: when the person you married or fell in love with makes a drastic life change. Perhaps she used to love burgers, but then became a strict vegan and now pushes tofu down your throat. Or maybe he was an anything-goes kind of guy, but five years into the marriage became a Scientologist. Or maybe your wife used to be carefree about the environment, and now she’s militant about recycling *everything*. I’m looking for both the light and serious side of what happens when you wake up and realize the person you love has changed in significant ways.

In positive relationships, as individuals within a marriage grow and develop new interests, hobbies, outlooks on life, religion, etc both get to live through this change in a positive manner where the change is understood and most importantly, appreciated.  Obviously, the change is within one of the two and it is important that this change not be enforced onto the other, because the change is intended for one, not both. 

Problems, though, occur within the negative relationship when this change is used as a further wedge between the two, a wedge that had already been developed with the other unresolved issues within the marriage.  Then it becomes another brick in the path of the destruction of the marriage. 

Then it becomes a, or quite possibly the, issue that finally pushes the couple apart to the point of the thud of complacency within negative marriages, or divorce.  Then it becomes a problem. 

What is needed in this situation is to understand and appreciate the changes within the individual. 

For example, if one of the two within a marriage decides to become much more religious, then the other partner needs to understand this as part of the maturing process, and accept and appreciate this change.  The one who has found religion cannot enforce this change onto the other.  Then it becomes a wedge in the relationship.  

Tim Kellis will be on WXEL TV (PBS – which airs in Palm Beach, Broward and Miami-Dade) South Florida Today hosted by Toni May, to discuss his relationship bookEquality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage” and “Men on Marriage” radio show to air on May 7th at 7:00 PM.

Listen Live!

Visit HappyRelationships.com to purchase a copy of Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage

Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage, is a book that provides all of the keys to a happy relationship and real, logical help to couples so they can stay out of the divorce trap. Learn how to have a happy relationship so that you can maintain a healthy, harmonious, loving, affectionate and intimate marriage.


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