Happy Relationships Blog

What If Your Spouse Gets on Your Nerves

Posted on: February 23, 2009


Periodically I will post from Q & A Sessions I have on blog interviews.  Here is a question about what to do if your spouse gets on your nerves:


Dorothy Says:

So excited to see Tim out there! I just received his book in the mail…this book is excellent! I’ll throw a question out there to Tim. Tim, your book is about understanding your mate in order to improve the relationship. What if it’s impossible? What if you are with someone for 13 years and he just gets on your everlasting nerve? What if your daughter (not his) hates him and you side with your daughter? Is this a doomed relationship?

Tim Kellis Says: 

Dorothy

You bring up an excellent question, and one that shows how difficult marriages get with divorce, the notion of a child from a previous marriage.

I do want to address the question first of him getting on your nerves. Because we are so much more educated now than ever before many more of us are cognizant about what we can find wrong with our spouse. The quote I use in the book to demonstrate this point is:

“Our present condition is, Legislation without law; wisdom without a plan; constitution without a name; and what is strangely astonishing, perfect Independence contending for dependence…The mind of the multitude is left at random, and seeing no fixed object before them, they pursue such as fancy or opinion starts. Nothing is criminal; there is no such thing as treason; wherefore every one thinks himself at liberty to act as he pleases.”

What this in essence is saying is that you can argue over anything. Unfortunately the notion that you can find fault over anything leads to your relationship developing into a regressive state. And the reason for this is the perspective of the person being critical, which is backwards because of the fear that a subjective behavior which is not thought of ahead of time by the one behaving badly, could result in problems. The reality is there are 3 types of behavior, 2 which should result in anger, and the third which unfortunately cannot be resolved. If your husband is behaving illegally or immorally then you have every right to get angry with him, but if you are getting angry at him because of subjective behavior that you fear might lead to problems then you might be looking in the wrong direction.

And as far as your daughter goes, the only thought I have is the need to work together with your husband to handle the issue with your daughter. After all she is the youngest. Unfortunately I do not know the issues between the 3 of you, but in divorce you have to also deal with her other family, something I suspect may be a source of the conflict. Again, the goal is for the parents to work together raising the children, not the children and one parent battling the other parent.

Dorothy this may raise a few more questions so feel free to post them.

Thanks

Tim Kellis

www.HappyRelationships.com

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1 Response to "What If Your Spouse Gets on Your Nerves"

Tim,

I love the quote you supplied – very apt. I laughed when I opened my email and saw the title of this blog, because I currently found myself in an angsty situation, having to do with ‘nerves.’ More accurately, “The nerve…!”

You make a very good point in your quote. Everything has become relative. Our increase of knowledge has not been accompanied by wisdom, apparently, so ‘how I see it’ is the way it is. It’s all relative to my own position. It sets us up for an impasse.

Coming from a codependent position, myself, I see that there are times when that nerve tingling is a signal that something is wrong. But the issue must be evaluated and responded to with a view to a solution, not just being right or having the last say (such a childish description, but there we go).

With that in mind, how do you propose we become wiser, and find that fixed object that keeps us steady and, consequently, keeps us together?

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